How can the grass be so green?
Why is this scene so serene?
How can this world be so mean?
How can the sky be so blue?
Because it reflects the ocean that separates me from you?
An ocean so wide, but your just in the other room.
I can't speak to you.
Not like this.
Because the knowledge of pain hurts.
And your ignorance is bliss.
Mind. Blown. Poof. Gone. I love this!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks :D
DeleteI like the poem, however I definitely see some things that could be spruced up on. I will help you workshop this in the style of Mr. T. When he helped me workshop mine once, I picked up good ideas on how to look at your piece.
ReplyDeleteI have a few questions: why did you choose the lengths of your stanzas?
Why can't you speak to the person? (I understand the metaphor of the ocean, but I am curious: do you purposefully leave out important information for the reader because of the last line's declaration or was it unintentional? Again, curiosity.)
And lastly, what is the heartbeat of this piece? If you were to point out the true meaning of this poem, where would it be located?
I hope you find this rather constructive than judgmental, for you did mention a desire to be critiqued. Never be afraid to fix a piece you've written (there is a poet who goes to bookstores and edits her published works right there in the store because she is that much of a perfectionist.) You don't have to go to this extreme, but understand that no piece is ever really "finished" :) Happy editing!
The lengths of the stanzas was to enphisize certain lines and rhymes that I felt when spoken could get glossed over is spefcically "this" and "bliss" the heart beat of my poem was the last line or at least the last two; as about the why questions why I cnt speak to that person I leave it up to ur imagination as I don't feel comfeterable answering XD the beginning of the poem including the metaphor was to set up that line I guess, but I wrote it stream of conscious the last few minutes of class so while I was writing I wasn't aware of that fact, do you think it shows in the writing?
DeleteAnd feel free to critique i won't feel judged way to narssasistic for tht xD
DeleteYou could still answer the second question without getting personal, but that's fine. I can use my imagination I guess. But not every reader will want to do this.
DeleteHere's my point: Yes, this poem is a stream of consciousness but I do not feel that it does your piece any justice. If anything I feel it makes the poem feel a bit more amateur.
When I read it I felt like the conclusion was a bit forced, like you were trying to make me feel like ignorance is bliss but I couldn't feel that because even with the intentional ambiguity of this piece I feel like I haven't connected with it. And that's fine; not everyone will connect with your piece, but if you want this poem to be worked on, I have a suggestion.
So you talk about an ocean's distance, right? Make us feel that. Use poetic elements to your advantage and make us CRAVE more from you but don't let us have it because we must feel a vast distance separating us from you.
I think this poem has a lot of potential, and whether or not you take my suggestion it totally fine. Just know that I am not saying this piece is bad in any way, I just know it needs some work, and that's normal. Nothing great has been produced with no second drafts.
OR: since this is about you feeling far apart from someone or something, just find a creative way to show us this distance. I didn't really get that from the piece. You mentioned the ocean but I didn't FEEL it, you know?
DeleteYea that's what I was going for, the theme of the poem was spose to be unreciprocated feelings, and I wasn't trying to speak to the reader more of a monologue, I shoulda made that more clear
DeleteWell I didn't get that at all.
DeleteSo there's a workshop idea for you, like you just said in the comment above mine, Tim: clear it up a little bit.
And I appreciate your ability to handle constructive criticism, by the way. Don't ever be discouraged from learning or changing things up a bit. Always look at things in a different way, which is why I have offered my abundant advices.
DeleteI definitely agree with Amber that a writer's work is never truly done.
DeleteThis is amazing, I know you wanted us to workshop it but I don't know what I would change.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the poem but did not understand the last two lines. I think it could have ended stronger but I did like the line "an ocean so wide, but you're just in the other room" I love how you describe the disconnect between you and this person and how your 'love' is fading. Overall nicely done I would just add or make changes to the ending.
ReplyDeleteIt seems the biggest flaw in my writing is clarity, and I think it's in those last two lines, the last two lines were suppose to show like longing, more of an unreciprocated love rather then a fading one but after rereading do see how it could be a one sided relatioship issue, where the speaker is feeling he is having issues with the relationship but the one being spoken about thinks nothing has changed. Is that what you mean DK?
DeleteLots of rhymes! Thats not a bad thing but it can put an awkward rhythm when you do it sometimes. It can seem kinda forced too. But I think there are definitely some good bits and you should totally play around with it some more.
ReplyDeleteYea, that's always been an issue for me because when I start any writing it all comes out in pros then i transpose it to verse afterwards (idk if I'm using that word correctly) but the reason the last few lines are different stanzas was to make sure the last rhyme wasn't glossed over because the way I wrote it in pros if felt like something the reader would speed by when read. It is definitely a poem meant to be spoken.
DeleteSo I can see how it would sound forced
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