Darkness danced around the narrow, rectangle alleyway. Large, square dumpsters stood on either side of the walls as the aroma of the garbage filled the air inside the small space. The moon winked beyond the walls of the buildings. Faint music could be heard from a dance club just a block away. A dark figure perched above the rectangular area. The figure gazed over the alleyway, blending into the darkness of the night sky. As four men walked into the abandoned alley, the figure stood. A grin painted itself upon the face of the mysterious person. Standing against the shadow of the night, the stranger flipped off the edge of the twenty-foot building, landing on the cemented ground in perfect condition. The four men ahead turned abruptly, looking down at the crouched stranger. The stranger stood with a grin drawn on her dark face. Her crystal blue eyes met the eyes of the men who were in fear of the mysterious girl. Her black jeans were ripped while a black, leather jacket with a tank top that was the shade of blood wrapped around her upper body along with black and white converse that protected her feet. A silvery, ringing voice bounced against the walls of the alley, “You’re scared.” The men looked at the girl, fear and anger struck their eyes as they heard those words slide off her blood painted lips. A man in his mid forties with green eyes, light blond hair, and a muscular, tan body looked at the young girl. In a deep toned voice he said "what did you just say?" With a short chuckle, the girl spoke, "I said you're scared, which you clearly are." Another man in his early forties stepped forward, steam blowing out of his ears, "how dare you say that. You have no right to say that to us! You're just a stupid, ten-year-old girl who doesn't know anything!" Her red lips creased as she looked down and crossed her arms over her chest. Her words were crisp as she spoke to the aged elders, trying to keep herself calm, "I have every right to say you are scared because all three of you reflect fear as you all stare at me. Its quite pathetic that you can't even tell the age of a girl who is clearly eighteen-years-old, and not ten." The three men became livid towards the youth as she stood, shielded by the intense power of her serene cerebrum.
Imagery and characterization should only be presented if necessary to influence the plot. Almost all of the characterization was not only of physical attributes but it was presented in a "telling" rather than showing manner. I don't intend to offer an entire characterization lesson into a single comment because it took me about 4+ hours of analyzing info to sharpen my ability into an applicable state to begin practice.
ReplyDeletenot to mention all of the prior reading/writing
ReplyDeleteWhat do you mean by both of your comments? If you can, please try to give an example and how you think it should be changed/edited.
DeleteI feel like it was so descriptive that it was kind of hard to understand. However, I really enjoy how the last line sounds. But for the rest of it, maybe take out or simplify some of the beginning, especially telling exactly what the characters are wearing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the constructive criticism! I will definitely take your advise and change/simplify my beginning so that it isn't so confusing and hard to understand. If you have any ideas as to how I should do that, let me know. I can use all the help I can get!
DeleteVery descriptive, I feel like I can visualize the the entire scene very clearly in my head. I agree with Mary though, at some points it was so descriptive that it was somewhat hard to comprehend so I got lost in the description and forgot what I was reading about. Still really good though and i enjoyed reading it!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I try really hard to be descriptive enough to help visualize the scene, but sometimes I do go too far or add too much detail, like I did in this. It is still a work in progress for a book I am working on and I plan to make changes. I just don't know how yet..
DeleteThe plot was very interesting. As the others have noted much of the scene's description was at times excessive. I think you should continue continue with the idea if you haven't already.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it was the description/detail that needed to be lessened necessarily. I think that they way in which you described the setting was what confused me most. You use a lot of metaphors to describe the light or the walls or even the smelly garbage in the corner. I think if you made more of balance between simple detail and extremely figurative description then it will be less confusing. I would like to see the revised edition, if you don't mind. It will be much easier for my mind to wrap around when I can make out what's going on without having to picture a moon winking or the aroma of a bloody lips of a girl--by the way, why bloody? Could you reveal your secrets and tell me what's going on in this?
ReplyDeleteThe bloody lips are a symbol to my main character. She is an assassin with abilities of darkness and light, she kills evil to protect the good. The bloody lips symbolizes the "blood" on her lips and they are the last thing they see before she kills the victums/targets
DeleteEverything was well worded, the vocabulary you used made everything seem more real. I felt like I was there because of how descriptive you were. It was a little confusing at parts, but I really became obsessed with a few lines and love the piece as a whole.
ReplyDeleteI loved the words you chose and how, if used in the right way, can make something be pictured in a magnificent way. Though I do agree with Mary, it was very hard to understand what the whole piece was about. Was it supposed to be creepy or what it supposed to be sad? Or neither at all? I think if written in a different way or with some details removed it would make the piece better to comprehend.
ReplyDeleteIt was neither at all. This part was just describing the main character and who she is without giving away too much
DeleteOverall the plot was well explained we can all see where its going but like others said the excessive description made it kind of drag rather than flow, if you want to be this descriptive make absolutely sure it doesn't sound like your telling us information instead of describing her appearance maybe hint at it in context of the story. Other than that great :)
ReplyDelete"Standing against the shadow of the night."
ReplyDelete"The three men became livid towards the youth as she stood, shielded by the intense power of her serene cerebrum."
I can tell how carefully you chose each word in this story by these two lines. I felt drawn into this piece of work. The display of events is told very descriptively and it was a capturing piece of work.
This piece was fascinating, but maybe the description is too much. Like people always say with make-up, "less is more". Sometimes you don't need in depth wording of everything, Leaving the reader hanging a little bit is the fun of reading things like this. It lets them interact with the piece more, and lets them have that "ah-ha" moment when it is all said and done. Otherwise, great job!
ReplyDeleteI agree with some others, it was so descriptive that I could not imagine it. I think over all the story was good. Just take out some of the non important details and it will help the story become better than it already is.
ReplyDelete